What is the Dating Etiquette in Belgium?
Are you looking to date in Belgium?
Hi, I'm Chris. Head teacher at OuiCommunicate. We teach French to speakers of English.
Observing local dating etiquette can go a long way for your integration. Respect and manners are crucial also!
This short article will highlight the differences with the US/UK and what Belgium calls "dating".
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The dating etiquette in Belgium
When I met my future wife at the beginning of our long distance relationship, I was already aware of possible misunderstandings between Europe and America in matters of the heart.
One person thinks they are “together” and the other considers they are “just dating” and owe each other nothing. One bright day you learn that your partner is with someone else and you can’t understand why.
To avoid this sidetracking, I established early on that we were indeed in a relationship. I wanted to officialize this as soon as I thought necessary. Since I already liked her very much, I wanted to fast-forward the trial period to a minimum.
Luckily for me, she agreed and no one else got her! She is now my wife and makes me the happiest man alive. We have just celebrated our 3 years together.
The very first rule to understand in Belgium is that there is no “dating”. You are either with someone or you are not. Just as it was in small villages in the early 1900s, a woman would not flirt around with a collection of men. The playing field was too small and there just weren’t enough men.
The USA is a much larger country that counts many more people and opportunities. In Belgium, you will meet far fewer people. Hence, the reason to hang on to someone you like.
If you have exchanged phone numbers, seen each other once outside of a party in daylight and the energy is right, chances are he/she considers that you two are together.
It is now your job to woo that person, make them laugh, be romantic, open your heart and show beyond the shadow of a doubt that they were right about you,
How to go about a new relationship
As we mentioned above, if you have just begun a new relationship your partner isn’t normally seeing other people. (And you shouldn’t be either) The period that is called dating in the USA is included in the first weeks of being together in Belgium.
Typically, you meet someone at a party, dance together, laugh…and exchange phone numbers or social media accounts. Usually, they mention a second party they intend to go to just to take the pressure off a daylight date. (daylight isn’t usually “sexy”!)
Belgium is an extremely small country with a much different psyche that the UK or the USA. It would reasonable to say that Belgians are not bold adventurers, a trait which impacts dating as well.
A potential partner likes to see you validated by others, even if they like your physical appearance. It is much easier and less threatening to first be friends with the group of people that know that special person who’s caught your eye.
Young people usually go out to bars in groups. That boy or girl you fancy will be part of a little clique. My advice: get with that clique somehow. If you are a boy, talk to a boy of her group in a friendly way. Say anything you think he might respond well to.
If there was a subconscious checklist that Belgian girls go through it might be: 1. Is he a psycho? 2. Does he know anyone I know? 3. Does he smile? 4. Does he look completely wasted? 5. Am I sure he’s not a psycho?
You shouldn’t be in a hurry when dating in Belgium and no person will appreciate being rushed. If you can’t find anything to say to them, try coming back to that same place next week. Belgium is small and people go back to the same cafes they enjoy.
Whatever you do, don’t look like you are too anxious to make it happen. In Belgium, love first goes through friendship. You must seem like a cool person they’d hang out with socially before any relationship is considered. Girls are not out to get a hunk!
Are you friend material?
We mention above that love always goes through friendship first in Belgium. (Well, almost always) In any case, you do NOT put on your sexy shirt, unbutton it halfway down, bare your torso or flex your biceps. You do not drown yourself in aftershave. For that matter you don’t even shave or comb your hair.
My wife has asked me before: “How is it possible? You’re educated, kind, well-spoken, physically fit, handsome, respectful, inventive, ambitious, kind-hearted… Why did no Belgian girl grab you before me?”
The truth is “different standards”. I just wasn’t friends with people who might have introduced me to a girl.
I will repeat until I am blue in the face that Belgian girls do not rank physical appearance and muscles highly. But they do want to see that you are kind and that you would fit into her social circle with ease.
The rules for approaching a future partner in a bar or club are also based on wholesomeness and friendship. Don’t try sending a bottle their way, it won’t work. Don’t jiggle your car keys about or throw cheesy compliments. They will run away.
Instead, try to see if they look at you. Turn away for a few minutes. Are they looking at you again? Do they smile back when you smile? If they look away it might mean they are shy. Try it one more time in a few minutes. Don’t insist, Don’t be creepy.
If a Belgian girl likes you, it will first start by looking at you from across the room. It’s up to you to establish if it was an accident or if it happens more than once.
If she/he likes you and wants you to speak to her/him, they will find a way to get into your space, create a nudge, look bored and alone. She will find a way to make a conversation happen. My advice: have a funny line ready!
When does the relationship start?
To this question I would answer “You just know”. You’re probably Whatsapping, Facetiming or conversing on social media regularly. Next step is that you might hang out at another party or she might invite you to her place. You hug, you kiss, that’s it!
There’s an almost universal rule to be followed here: if a woman gives you of her time, she is aware of what she is doing. She knows the message it sends. She is telling you that you are important enough for her to give you that time.
If she had no interest she would not give you the slightest minute. Ask yourself this “does she seem to make time for me?” If the answer is no, respect this and move on. Insisting won’t change anything.
Here’s a test: if you two walk out of the university library together after a group work. how many seconds does it take for her to dart off? If she stands around talking just the two of you it’s most probably a sign that her time is not too valuable for you.
The moment between fancying someone and being together is comparatively quick in Belgium. You don’t see a partner on and off for weeks on end until a decision is made. There are no dinner or cinema dates on which the man pays for everything.
If you two meet during the daytime, try to get a few work colleagues to go for a drink all together. Take the pressure off the dating side. Go out to have a good time, prove you can be a friend before showing how chivalrous or masculine you are.
Dates to avoid are any dates that kill the fun: museums, cinema, jumble sales, trips to the zoo… If you’d like to meet that “daytime person” in party conditions, casually mention that you are going to a party nearby. Ask them if they were intending on going. They will probably answer that they are not sure yet. Mention how fun it’s going to be. If she is interested, she has understood. She might show up with a friend. Act like it was a probability she might be going. Leave her an exit. Don’t pressure for a yes or no.
How to know if he/she is available?
In the UK, it is well-known that girls dress up in high heels and tight skirts. Men get a trendy haircut and wear T-shirts in all weather. They douse themselves in aftershave.
In Belgium you will see none of that except perhaps in nightclubs where you must be properly dressed and not look drunk at the door.
I would advise any person who is potentially looking for a nice partner to consider that everyone is just there to have fun. Attraction might happen or night not. But it is not the reason why everyone is gathered on a Saturday evening in Belgium.
There’s am almost reverse psychology to be used here: look like you are having fun, mind your own business, wear a smile…and someone might come up to you. Or they might spot you and talk to you next week. Belgium is tiny and they might recognize you from one week to the next.
There won’t be any meaningful signs that a person is available or not. Some people dress up in a sexy way just because they want to and others wear old wooly cardigans even if they are looking for someone.
Since jeans are considered elegant in Belgium, it will be harder to spot who’s made an effort to stand out of the crowd. Try to have a good time, and perhaps the magic will happen!
There aren’t any sure ways to make others you are available either. Essentially, just be yourself and enjoy the evening. You shouldn’t normally have to say to someone that you are already taken unless they are particularly bad at reading signs.
Again, the exchange of gazes will be the ultimate proof. A person who’s ignoring you has no interest. Needless to get up into their face. Catching someone’s eye more than once is an encouraging sign that an approach may be permissible.
Last remarks
We’ve said it before, but meeting a person in Belgium comes down to integrating groups of people. Be friends with their friends, would be sound advice to go by.
The flaunting of money, cars, phones or other is not going to cut it. Paying for drinks won’t work either.
Remember that most jobs in Belgium (Brussels) require a bachelor’s degree and many young people speak 2 or 3 languages. There is a level of education that helps them see through the corniness. They rather like genuineness instead.
As in many cities, drugs are easy to get ahold of and alcohol is in the culture. A drunk person or a person seen smoking weed is not an “easy” person or a tart. They might very well be a lawyer despite their ripped jeans. Don’t assume!
As a tendency, Belgians prefer to “fall” into a relationship instead of setting one up. (if that makes sense) Don’t ask for the official status of your relationship. Don’t say “I want to be with you”. Move sideways instead of straight into their face.
Demonstrations of romance might work or not. It all depends on the timing. A bunch of flowers too soon could be seen as overly dramatic. Offering a Valentine’s card to someone might be seen as you wanting to corner them into a yes or no.
Fun is the sure way to go in Belgium. Be a friend before anything else. Flirting is not “a thing” because it is simply not a flirty country. Go light on the compliments about their outside appearance, if at all.
Be light, be respectful and do take no as an answer.
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