How to converse in French like a native?
Hi, I'm Chris. Head teacher at OuiCommunicate.
We're home to speakers of English who wish for a step up from traditional French classes by means of bilingual learning.
The codes of conversation are slightly different in the French-speaking world.
If you wish to fit in, it can be useful to know some of the rules!
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Let's start with the basics
If you are already living in a French-speaking country, you may have noticed some striking differences with the US or the UK. Perhaps you have learned to adapt to these unofficial rules or you may have not noticed them and regularly rub people the wrong way by not being francophone enough.
In the broad strokes, it is considered more acceptable to express our opinion by leaving some space for a contrary opinion. Many French people add “it’s only my opinion” (apres, c’est que mon opinion…) almost as a way to apologize for defending a point of view.
In modern-day America, exchanges of views are rather more built on a less tolerant rhetoric. Don’t leave room for other opinions and rather dismantle opposing views by any argument possible, however irrational. You first choose your side then you dismantle the opposition.
In the UK, it is similar but less obvious perhaps. The rules are rather “look how sensible I am. My sensible is a lot more sensible than yours.” If you ever get a Brit angry, they will enter “stubborn mode” and argue by means of the absurd by focusing on the terms contained in your sentence rather than on the idea it contains. The debate will reach a complete standstill.
This being said, these tendencies depend on the circumstances and topic of the conversation. An angry French person will not seek to allow for different opinions! They will just yell “Your car has blocked my entrance all morning!”
It may be useful to observe the conversation around you and match it with your own speaking pattern. Ask yourself “how philosophical am I compared to the natives?”
What the case of Gisele Pelicot tells us
The case of the horrifying abuse of Gisele Pelicot by multiple men and orchestrated by her husband led to the largest trial for rape in the legal history of France.
As gruesome as the events were, there is a French TV debate on Youtube called C Ce Soir (link) that speaks of the case in almost philosophical terms, asking the question “what is a rapist?” or “what does this case tell us of the role of men in 2024?”
I would say that this is one of the “most French things” ever and perfectly illustrates my point. A group of educated people turning the problem around and around as if the pleasure of the debate was more important than its outcome.
If you are American or British, you would probably find it hard to imagine a similarly laid-back approach to such a dreadful news headline. Perhaps there wouldn’t even be a debate, except to speak about harsher punishments or bringing back the electric chair.
Whether “all men are like that” or not would likely not be relevant. Nor would it make for very good TV to have a debate about the possible psychology of the 50 rapists and what they might have been thinking.
Viewers would be outraged and ask “So what are you saying? We should try to understand the point of view of these monsters?” Remember that things that are available to philosophy in France are not in other countries.
Speaking socially with friends
If you ever find yourself around a table in France with friends, you might experience similar conversations in which topics that are normally “out of bounds” are turned around and analyzed. It is crucial to understand that the conversation is not made to find a certain truth or answer. It’s just how French speakers talk. The skill demonstrated in analyzing issues under different points of view is more important than answering any question with certainty.
We can illustrate this with the case of Rosa Parks who famously refused to give up her seat in the bus and led to the Civil Rights Movement. In the USA, it would be inconceivable to ask whether the rules were necessarily unfair or if some white people were just the victims of a biased system.
But in the French-speaking world this is very possible for similar issues as Rosa Parks. They might speak about the nature of religion, Nazis, or whether it is necessary to eat healthily in order to be healthy.
Remember that the true purpose of the conversation is to share with your friends how many times you can turn around a topic that seems self-evident. You make yourself seem interesting to your friends by debating rather than by knowing.
The famous comedians Les Inconnus underlined the comical side of this with the line “Il n’a pas dit que des conneries” in one of their sketches. The characters were discussing far-right politics and although all agreed that Jean Marie Le Pen was a contemptible racist, it had to be pointed out that “He had not only said stupid things” as a way to indicate that you could find good in evil.
With friends, you are naturally allowed to defend a point of view that you feel is right but it is always better to concede that other people might not agree. The secret to a French conversation is about considering different points of view.
Topic: The Olympic Games in Paris
The opening and closing ceremonies of the Paris Olympics left a lot of room for personal interpretation (and appreciation), which suits our purpose perfectly.
I personally thought that the boat parade of the Seine was underwhelming because the cameras located on the banks were too far from the boats. I thought that the dancing looked unrehearsed, I didn’t get the point of the man running through Paris on the roofs dressed like a fencing champion crossed with a ninja, I though the golden man on the paddle bike should have been 3 times larger, I didn’t get the heavy metal band on the balconies, I didn’t see the point in having an American pop artist sing, and I certainly didn’t understand the closing ceremony. In sum, I thought they were inexperienced in TV production and that their ideas worked on paper better than on TV. The visuals were poor and lacked direction.
Sharing this view with francophone people would not be as straightforward. The discussion would not be about what they could have done better.
Instead, I would start out by saying “Yes, it was Ok. I mean, some things I liked more than others but otherwise, OK.”
I would say “perhaps the boats were a bit hard to make for entertaining TV, but on the other hand it can’t be easy to film from the banks.” (Notice how I didn’t say that it was a ridiculous idea to film from the banks?)
I would say: “The performance of the American singer was very good. This being said, maybe a French singer would have been more appropriate. But I understand that it’s for an international audience.”
I would say: “The little white men standing in the smoke probably can’t be seen by the spectators in the arena. On the other I understand that arenas are built to big sizes and that smoke isn’t transparent.”
Always, always mitigate your point of view by including something you might not even believe. Include it anyway, just to be polite and not come across as a know it all.
Examples: Don't say / Do say
Don’t say: The Olympic games ceremony was a high-brow conceptual exercise in artistic abstraction. Do say: It wasn’t always easy to understand. But after all, they have to please all tastes. Anyway, what is a good ceremony?
Don’t say: I can’t believe that illegal resident who murdered those students in cold blood. Do say: It’s horrifying and such things should never happen. On the other hand, we must understand his personal circumstances. Should there even be visas?
Don’t say: I hated that film. Not my style at all. Do say: I didn’t enjoy that film. But the director tried to express some interesting views. What is the purpose of cinema do you think?
Don’t say: 5 euros for a beer?? What a rip off! Do say: That’s a bit much. But they have bills too. We don’t know how much it costs to run this place. After all, what is money?
Don’t say: I know one postman who won’t be doing his round for while… Do say: That’s the third postman I found my wife in bed with this week. But after all, she might have her reasons. What is even a marriage? Can a husband realistically legislate the way the postal service operates?
Don’t say: I worked over 30 hours this week. Too much is too much! Do say: I worked over 30 hours this week. Perhaps it would be a good thing to speak to our union leaders? Do you know if there is a strike on anytime soon?
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To conclude
A few lines in this “guide to a French conversation” should be taken with a pinch of salt. There are a few jokes thrown in.
This being said, we should remember that conversations follow different functions in different countries. It is not all about the message. When two Americans talk about football results, the true intention might be the act of bonding.
We have all heard that doing business with other nationalities can be hard. There are different customs and ways to present the deal we wish to make.
In England, the average conversation might come across as “moaning” to an American. But the true social function of the “moan” is to make everyone feel better in the end.
French speakers do take sides in a debate but have a tendency to be more “philosophical” about matters. It can be traced back to the art of conversation, when the French language was seen as a form of art.
It could be described as a desire to find the “essence” of things and present our thoughts in an elegant exchange.
