How to Make Friends in Belgium for Expats
Hi, I'm Chris. Head teacher at OuiCommunicate.
We're home to speakers of English who wish for a step up from traditional French classes by means of bilingual learning.
I lived in Belgium for over 30 years before moving to the UK and now the USA.
The codes of socialization are indeed not the same.
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How to Make Friends in Belgium for Expats
The following article will not list commonnalities such as “join a tennis club” but will instead suggest paths for reflection on your situation as an expat and how Belgians might see you.
I write this as one who is culturally Belgian and knows from the inside how things are done in the UK and the USA.
Penetrating a foreign environment is less easy than we first imagine. There is an almost chemical element to people who “feel” we are not quite like them. At times, it can make us seem interesting. Other times, people know subconsciously that such a friendship is going to cost them more effort for an uncertain result.
Being a foreigner places us at a distinct advantage in a new country. Our aura or demeanor is slightly different, which creates more opportunities for connections. Shopkeepers will ask us where we’re from, random people in the street will say they love our hat or something else about us.
Before long, we share a blog post about how nice and positive everyone seems to be in Belgium or in France. It’s like a fairy tale come true.
Because we are in a state of amazement and curiosity, we put out a very positive aura that people feel.
However. Although it might boost the number of opportunities, we must remind ourselves that to the Belgians this is still the “real world”. They might not share the same amazement as us. That lovely person who sells charcuterie at the market is still only doing their job.
The risk that comes with a positive foreigner’s attitude is attracting the wrong people and misjudging the character of those we attract. We don’t quite understand the social layers of this new society and don’t exactly know who we are speaking to.
Fact 1: different social classes
Social classes between Belgium, the US and the UK are not the same. This can have an impact if the Belgian can’t quite place you socially. More subconsciously than rationally, they won’t know how you two match up.
Belgians are very wary of demonstrations of wealth. Whereas this is rather seen as a positive in the US and a sign of success, it will place you right at the bottom of the social ladder in Belgium because you will appear to be a “nouveau riche”.
Continuing on this route and flaunting wealth might attract all types of Andrew Tate charracters or similarly empty people.
You can very well be “poor” in Belgium but socially high up (upper middle class). You can be very rich and be right at the bottom of the social ladder where even the upper working class will look down on you.
I speak from personal experience: the second you move into that big house in the suburbs you can be sure that the Belgians already have a nickname for it and despise its arrogant size. You are being watched by all eyes who expect to find “typical Americans”.
It’s up to you to prove that you come in peace. The Belgians will forgive you for owning that oversized house because they know that it’s paid for by the company.
My advice: don’t give them a bad first impression by moving in and letting the kids run wild in the garden. Limit the noise. Introduce yourself within 2 or 3 weeks by just saying hi and talking about who you work for etc.
Even if you don’t speak French or Dutch they will forgive you. Why not also bring cookies round? Belgians just want to know you’re “nice”.
Fact 2: different housing habits
Presuming you have just moved into the suburbs, you can be sure most Belgians have been there for a very long time.
Whereas Brits and Americans move houses a lot more, Belgians do not. It is not a mobile country in the slightest. Some of your neighbours might even have been there for over 30 years. They’ve probably seen expats come and go for a long time and were casually wondering who will rent that “big house” next.
Watch out: it is NOT OK to take out your electric gardening tools and leaf blowers on a Sunday or even after 6PM. Peace and quiet is important in Belgium and unlike America we respect our neighbours by offering them silence. No one does “yard work”, they quietly garden instead.
Naturally, you can have the occasional garden party. It is something the Belgians love themselves, especially since it can be daylight until 11PM in Summer.
If it’s going to be a big party, why not tell the neighbours that you’re having people round? They won’t expect to be invited and likely won’t go even if they were. So, no offense here.
Barking dogs are not OK, as they are in the USA. British expats tend to know this instinctively but dogs in the US are usually left free to bark. This is a massive “no” in Belgium unless you want to be silently hated by the whole area.
Saying hello to your neighbour and waving is really a toss up. I’d personally try it once or twice by a little wave or a head nod but if you get no response don’t insist.
Belgians are people who like their private space a lot and greatly appreciate being left alone. They might not even want to have to wave at you every morning or say “hi”. It doesn’t mean they don’t like you. They just want to be left alone.
Fact 3: different Belgians
A Belgian is something that is somewhat hard to define.
In the broad strokes, they might be French speaking or Dutch speaking. Rarely are they both. The language of each group changes a lot to how you will connect with each.
French speakers are more Latin and closer in their behaviour to France. Dutch speakers are more Germanic and behave more like the Dutch from the Netherlands.
This implies different values, different holiday habits, different definitions of “education”, even different definitions of Belgium. Just about everything divides them, whether it is visible to you or not.
My guess is that Americans will more easily be approached by Flemish people especially if they are into startups and entrepreneurship. (presuming you work for a business)
Francophones doing the same job will likely not see value in this. They won’t be as outgoing and might not see the same symbol in “American business”. But I could be wrong.
In the French-speaking culture, America is rather seen as the antithesis. They love the US for its national parks and breathtaking sights but will likely abhor anything resembling Las Vegas.
Never forget that Belgium is tiny and made even moreso by its internal divisions. They already don’t have a massive ego as it is. Listing all the planes you took from Maine to Colorado to California will not impress them.
Belgians don’t have much exposure to the US and rather see the UK as “English speakers who were never European to start with”. Belgians enjoy being Belgian (to a degree) and toddle along as they can, navigating through an extreme;y complex landscape. Try not to rock the boat!
Fact 4: different small talk
The art of small talk is one that is among the most complex you could hope to master. A light conversation in the UK is not the same as in the US. There are things you can and cannot mention.
In the UK, we can talk about all things nature-related like frogs, flowers, squirrels and strawberries. The point here is to keep it light and happy and to wear a smile at all times. We may include recipes we followed, jumble sales, things we saw on TV. Just never politics or anything forcing someone to take a side.
In the US, you can talk about money, money and more money. You can talk about the price of your new John Deere, the expensive vacation you want to take, your credit card bills…even religion and politics. Americans even have an art of conversation that Brits cannot follow in which a lot of “yeah man” thrown together make up a seemingly empty conversation that only they understand!
But in Belgium it is not the same. First, you never talk about money, politics or religion. Just never.
Unless it’s European football or tennis, they won’t care about sports. They don’t know cricket and have never heard of the NBA.
If I were to guess, I would offer a Belgian an open door towards a complaint. Try to mention that there was a traffic jam on the E411. Say that it’s been raining for a week. They will appreciate the opportunity for a good moan.
You can also ask for a recommendation. Belgians love to recommend! Ask them where you can get good bread from or where you can buy a good Belgian beer. You can safely do the same for anything relating to food or drink.
It will show that you have an interest and that you don’t know everything.
Fact 5: Brits have it easier
Brits have it comparatively easier than Americans in terms of socializing. Firstly, they are sort of/part of Europe, and second a lot more is known about them through the BBC and the arts.
The Brits who elect to live in Belgium would be of similar social class than the Belgians, It would be an extreme oddity to see a working class British family move to the continent. The same could be said of a noble family or the upper-upper middle class verging on very wealthy. If they’re doing well for themselves in the UK, why come to Belgium?
The happy consequence of this is that whatever the reason for moving to Belgium, there is the assumption that you are a well-to-do family of a comparable background. This will please the neighbours who will recognize themselves in you more than if you were American.
As Americans, it will be harder because you come from further and because your country is more varied. Keep in mind that the average Belgian has no clue of the difference between North Dakota and Washington. To them it’s all “American”.
They will likely expect you to fit in less than a British family because of the class difference and the automatic perception of wealth. They will not imagine in a thousand years that you enjoy Belgium or would ever consider staying more than is necessary, unless you prove them wrong.
Where this impacts the possible friendships with Belgians is that Americans are seen as “on their way out” and just there temporarily. Brits might be there for longer or even by choice. In any case, it seems like a relationship worth investing in.
Fact 6: Age and occupation
According to how old you are when you move to Belgium, people might be doing different things at different ages. In the UK, people tend to party hard in their young age and marry and settle early. A woman with a pair of kids in her early 20s is not a rare sight. In the US, there seems to be more elasticity in that regard.
In Belgium, you can be involved with university into your late 20s and even beyond. Because of a comfortable social security system, there is also ample opportunity to not settle into any definite career.
Students don’t usually support themselves by having a job. Apart from a few “student jobs” in Summer, the young people you see working in supermarkets or at bars are usually doing this as a job. (trendy bars sometimes hire attractive young students though).
In sum, the person you see in front of you might not equate to the same type of person in the UK or the US. We can make the analogy with tracksuits: in the US, you can be the owner of a Mc Mansion and hang out in a tracksuit. You are factually “posh” by the standards of that country.
In Belgium, wearing a tracksuit means you are likely low down on the social ladder. People also don’t tend to wear oversized XXL T-shirts to be comfortable. Instead, they rather be smart and wear fitting clothes.
It will ne crucial to develop a good idea of who you have in front of you. If you have a clear idea of the type of person you want to meet, try to do some research about where they would hang out. One thing’s for sure: the well-to-do’s are not by the side of the football field on a Saturday!
Fact 7: Different sports and leisure
Finding new friends through sports and leisure can have its share of surprises also. The Brits might have it harder here since few things British exist in Belgium: the local parish, bingo, charity shops, jumble sales, walking in nature, watching sports on Sky at the pub, bird watching, local conservation, bell ringing, local history clubs…you’ll be hard pressed to find anything similar.
To the Brits: don’t try telling a Belgian you saw a Red Admiral butterfly or spotted a chaffinch in your garden. Although they’ll be happy for you, they will assume you are obsessed with nature. even though there is a strong climate of nature conservation at the moment, it is not done in the same way as in the UK. (at the moment the strategy is to let weeds grow everywhere)
Golfing in Belgium is considered extremely posh, as is tennis. Weightlifting and fitness is done by a broad range of people.
You’ll see many groups of high-level cyclists who will not hesitate to shout at you to get out of their way. These are likely Dutch and take their sport very seriously.
Football (soccer) is done by the same types of crowds as in the UK. Even though it is considered a nice sport for middle-class children in the US, this is not at all true in Belgium. Sign your kids up to field hockey instead, if you want to find an equivalent!
Sports like casual basketball and volleyball are a toss-up, There could be some extremely posh people in those clubs and the crowd it attracts is usually nice. Basketball doesn’t have that “street rough” connotation as in the USA.
Again, don’t assume that you will find your type of crowd in the activities you enjoy at home. Try to feel then out first.
Fact 8: different ways of socializing
In the UK, we like things and people that are “nice”. Not too intense and middle of the road if possible. We use smiles and “sorry” as a way of make others feel safe and we enjoy a friendly chinwag about local things. But it has to remain light. We say “morning” to people and just generally put on a pleasant demeanor.
The US is just about the same and politeness has its own codes. People say sorry if they walk in front of you in the supermarket aisle, people wave at cars driving by their garden in suburbia…It’s not uncommon to fall into a very in-depth conversation with a person you’ve just met, exchange names, shake hands and part ways for ever.
Belgium doesn’t quite do things the same way and as a general rule they are much, much more reserved. I mean, despite 30 + years experience living there, even I find them impenetrable! I can only imagine how hard it is for people of foreign cultures.
So, what can you talk about with a Belgian? I always tell my mum jokingly “Oh look, the neighbour is coming over for a moan”. And him and my father complain about a traffic jam, roadworks, the price of bread and many other things that affect them directly or not.
In all honesty, it is the hardest part about penetrating the layers of Belgium society: knowing what to say to them. After all, they might likely feel less interesting than you for not traveling as much. They are well aware that their country is a political disaster and hangs together by a thread. They don’t have that much to boast about.
A Belgian will most probably tell you things they like about your country. Perhaps they visited it or like a certain type of food. Seize this chance to tell them what YOU like about Belgium: a certain Belgian cheese or a beer.
My advice: don’t tell them “American things” such as “wow It’s so well located. In 4 hours’ drive I can be in Poland”. Belgians don’t think this way about geography and do not drive to go anywhere. Even to France of Holland.
Don’t speak about the good Belgian chocolate because they don’t exactly care about it either. Don’t try to gossip about a third party. Try to speak about how you intend to visit Bruges or Antwerp. Ask them for recommendations.
Don’t say you saw Manneken Pis – no Belgian cares about it.
Fact 9: different facial muscles
OK, this one starts as a bit of a joke, but is true to an extent none the less. We said already that smiling was used as a way of communicating in the US and the UK. If you ever go to Germany or Poland you will see that this is not true over there. Belgium is the same.
When I’m in Belgium I’m astounded at how miserable every one looks. No so. They are just using their facial muscles differently. Cashiers look like they are on their last rope, bus drivers seem to hate your very presence aboard…there’s very little noticeable joy.
Go to Walmart or Tesco and you will see smiles from the staff. Even a certain warm greeting at times. You say thanks to the bus driver, you call everyone “mate” or “man”… it’s almost like a little club of citizens.
There is a risk of interpreting this gloom as being the opposite of joy. But people are just less expressive. Being upbeat and full of the joys of life is not a thing that is expected.
The linguistic structure of the French language might also influence this behaviour: there are hardly any tonal fluctuations and it is spoken in a very monotone way. Put that up against Italian and you will see what I mean.
In French, “I’m so happy to see you” sounds exactly like “I’m so depressed” on a tonal level. We don’t go up and down with our rhythm. There’s no way of saying “Oh how LOVElyyyy!” as in English.
The Dutch side of Belgium are more Germanic and use laughter a lot more, socially. If you are ever in a supermarket in Flanders you will hear them crack jokes and laugh out loud. It’s a lot more part of the social interaction codes.
There is also the use of “vous” which by default places everyone at a distance. This formal way of addressing people also implies that you are not friends. Remember that Belgium is not a proud club of people that identify as Belgian in the same way we do in the UK or USA.
Fact 10: different partying habits
In the UK, you can see “all ages” pubs where 18 year olds share the same space as 60+ year olds. Ladies sometimes have a “girls’ night out” for a bit of fun at the pub. This is not at all the norm in Belgium.
Beyond the age of 35 (more or less), hanging out at a bar effectively makes you a person who hangs out at bars. Here, your trained eye must make a difference between “being at a bar” (cafe) and being at a bar to enjoy a quality Belgian beer. One is done for thirst, the other for the taste buds.
Getting drunk already in your early teens is considered very normal in Belgium. After all, beer is everywhere and what else are you going to do in a cafe?
There isn’t the same binge drinking culture as in the UK, where drinkers pour it down with the express intent of ending in a coma. Outrageous behaviour is rare in Belgian bars and the proper code of conduct is to get drunk in a non-demonstrative type of way.
Clubs for dancing are usually for people who expressly like that type of music or scene. It can very well happen that a Belgian youth never goes to a club their entire life, preferring quiet bars over the loud decibels of the dance floor.
Bars (“cafes” as they are called) have degrees of popularity and cool. It will be up to you to spot the “cool” bar according to the scene you wish to mingle with. These cafes tend to attract “types of people” who have similar jobs, clothes or musical tastes.
Here, the codes of dating are different also. Belgians are rather on the promiscuous side and first night sex is not anything out of the ordinary. The ritual of dating doesn’t find a UK or USA equivalent. The decision is rather quickly made if you two are tohgether or not.
Not to say that Belgians are pushovers, but the drawn-out process of daytime dates to officialize a relationship does not exist. You decide within a minute if you are with a partner or not.
Fact 11: different church and politics
The role of the parish in the UK is not at all the same as in Belgium. Here, the church simply serves for those who wish to pray or go to mass on a Sunday. Don’t expect activities or coffee mornings.
Whereas Jesus has long acquired the status of superhero in the USA, he is (still) but unknown in Belgium. Any public demonstration of your faith will have you labeled as a sort of militant or fanatic. Even if it’s just a “Jesus saves” sticker on your car.
Keep religion out of your conversation. If you go to church, don’t even mention it. People will likely spread that you are a “strong believer” behind your back which will make you different.
Politics shouldn’t be mentioned either. If you are a Trump supporter, don’t even try. If you are a “remain” or “leave”, don’t try to defend the Brexit either way. Belgians aren’t losing sleep over it and don’t exactly care who is part of the EU or not.
Belgium could be described as “culturally catholic”. This is noticeable in public holidays, the celebration of Saints and in the presence of churches. One thing that never happens is to try to interpret the Bible and apply it to everyday life.
You will pass as a person who is either naive or simple if you try to quote the Bible for the purpose of applying it to life in 2024. Belgians understand that the Bible is the road manual of those who go to church, but it should never enter into public life.
Many Americans have a way of arguing about social issues from their perspective and dismantling the arguments of the opposing side. Do not try this rhetoric in Europe, it simply does not work.
Issues like abortion have long been put into the hands of doctors and are outside the reach of militant morals. The shared view is that abortion is not a topic on which we can go back. No more than public stoning or witchcraft. You have been warned!
Fact 12: different ambitions and goals
This one is a hard one to put into words without treading carefully. As an expat you must make an effort to view life through the eyes of a Belgian. What do you see? Is it the country of a thousand possibilities? Is it the country of warm sunshine and fun?
If you are any bit ambitious, creative, or a thinker outside of the box, it might be hard to convey this vision to Belgians. I was involved in the musical scene for over 10 years and even there it was extremely difficult to make my colleagues see “big”.
The environment has a real impact on the way we view the world. If there was an “American dream” there was never a “Belgian dream”, even in the 1900s. Many Brits now see their country as the past glory of the Empire. But at least there was an age of glory.
Based on 30 years experience I would say that Belgians don’t usually want more than they have. Once the money comes in safely, they are settled. No need to look elsewhere.
Naturally, there are millions of unambitious Americans and unoriginal Brits. Let’s not stereotype. But the big difference here is that you have the trailblazers and the famous people in your culture already.
Belgians have two small halves of a country, grey skies and a limited horizon in terms of possibilities. Everything they do will be reduced to the natural size of the landscape. Belgians themselves actually say “we are small-minded people…” (they have said this to me on more than one occasion) “petit pays petit esprit” as goes the saying.
As a result, you might find frustration when wanting to “open up” a Belgian. But what if there was nothing more to discover than you actually see?
My advice: don’t rock the boat. Don’t ask for more than they can give. Don’t make suggestions about how the country should implement this or that. If they wanted change, they’d do it.
Fact 13: different academic achievements
The meaning of college and university can make a huge difference between Europe, the UK and the US.
This can have an impact when you want to find your “scene” because the levels of education don’t match. In the UK, you can well have a respectable office job with a few A-levels from high school. Better still if you went to uni for a 2 year course or more.
In Belgium, the slightest office job requires 3 languages and 3 years of university. It is almost impossible to work anywhere with just a high school diploma.
In the US, students tend to go to university with the express purpose of earning more money. It occurs to far less people to study fine arts or philosophy, since the earning potential isn’t there. The importance given to “culture” might be comparatively smaller. You may be a big shot in the US with a business MBA but fail to find people of the social standing you wish to meet.
The thinking process that school takes us through might also change how we approach discussions later on in life. In Europe, “multiple choice” tests are relatively fewer in number. Spotting the right answer is not something that is usually equated with being “educated”.
People who are considered “brainy” in America can freely give one-sided arguments on matters such as abortion or medical care. In Belgium, you almost have the obligation to see both sides of the story to be considered credible. We can’t just say “They are wrong because I’m right”. Moderation is the key here.
Belgians are not usually self-assured and opinionated. In this, their Latin side is very visible: you consider the other side, defend your arguments, question your own view…being educated is often the fact of never reaching a definite conclusion.
The different education systems create different ways of thinking!
To conclude
The more we dig into the culture of a people, the more we realize how incredibly complex it is. We are the product of our own environment as other people are of theirs.
A strategy for making friends in Belgium can be to ask ourselves who we want to meet and where they are likely to be found.
We can also ask ourselves what we want to bring to the table and offer in terms of friendship. Things that are considered normal in our country might offend, or simply disinterest in Belgium.
For more information on Belgium, why not click this lengthy article from our website, that analyses Belgium as if it were a person. It provides you with a bit of history up to the present day.
It can be useful to know a bit of the psychological background of your new country!
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